ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
In a rare moment of vulnerability, the token office Kiwi has begrudgingly admitted that the Wallabies didn’t play “half bad” in their narrow loss to the All Blacks over the weekend.
The office’s resident New Zealander, Dan “Danno” McKenzie, who migrated to Australia three years ago for “be’er pay, bet’er we’ther, and me missus,” shocked colleagues this morning when he uttered a phrase no one expected.
“Aw nah, bruh, that wus actually a pretty good game,” said McKenzie, whose voice was drenched in equal parts disbelief and annoyance, as he wore his All Blacks scarf to work this morning.
“I mean, ye’ fullas came pretty cloise, eh. 31-28, bro. Tho’t we wus gonna chok there, ay?”
The comment came after the All Blacks retained the Bledisloe Cup for yet another year, edging out a late Wallabies’ comeback at Sydney’s Stadium Australia. While McKenzie’s colleagues were hoping to taunt him over New Zealand’s shaky finish, especially after they were reduced to 13 players at one point, they were met with an unusually magnanimous Kiwi who seemed almost sympathetic to Australia’s plight.
“Ye’, Wallabies had us under th’ pump, ay,” McKenzie continued, his vowels stretching longer than Australia’s losing streak in the Bledisloe.
“They wus lookin’ good in those last 15 minutes. Paisami’s try, then Wright’s… coulda gone either way, bro. But, ye’ know, it’s the All Blacks, ay. We’re just built diff’rent.”
According to reports, McKenzie’s reluctant praise came after enduring years of office ribbing about his unfaltering loyalty to a country with an economy “shot to ribbons” and a rugby team that has bullied the Wallabies since 2003.
“Every ye’r, it’s the same,” said McKenzie, shaking his head.
“Aw mate, here comes the underdogs, gotta get me lucky unnerdoig jersey on;… I mean, ye’ guys put up a fight an’ all, but… ye’ know.”
McKenzie’s coworkers, meanwhile, are struggling to comprehend this new, kinder version of their Kiwi colleague. Marketing executive Luke, who usually spends Monday mornings berating McKenzie for adding fuel to the housing crisis just by being here admitted the shift has thrown him off balance.
“I dunno, man, I was ready to rip into him, but then he just came out with, ‘Aw nah, you fullas did alroight,’ and I didn’t know what to say. It’s like I didn’t even win. Fucken Kiwis. They’re not your mate and then you’re mates.”
However, despite his unexpected praise for the Wallabies, McKenzie couldn’t resist one last jab before heading to the lunchroom.
“Aw ye’, just gonna be a long wait now til ye’ boys get yer hands on the Cup, ay. But don’t worry, ye’ did pretty good. You’d be better off sendin’ the Panthers, bro.”
More to come.
