LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact
Realising it has been five years since she first started dating, 23-year-old Lisa Kavanagh has come to the disappointing revelation that she has never met ‘The One’ at any of the hostels or share house parties she’s frequented over the past few years.
A believer in true love ever since she saw the film Love Actually at age 15, Kavanagh has searched high and low for her soul mate but has thus far been unable to find herself in an adorable meet-cute situation in a seedy European hostel or nang infested terrace house.
“I have this vision that we might go to the punch bowl at the same time and awkwardly be like ‘no you go first,’ then get talking and wake up together the next morning after both getting fucked up on whatever some cheeky bloke had going the night before.
A few times Kavanagh believed she was close to finding the one, citing the time an American man totally ‘pwned’ her in a game of beer pong in a hostel, or the time a tight collared goon drinker agreed with her that the Hottest 100 winner of that year was undeserving.
Tragically, it was later revealed that these men were only interested in sex, with one particularly clueless idiot promising to add her on Tinder.
“What’s the point of putting myself out there if I’m just going to attract people who think chlamydia is funny but The Matrix might be real?”she said.
Kavanagh’s closest brush with true love came in the form of a well-groomed jumper wearing man, who asked if she wanted ‘a proper drink’ producing a flask of whisky with his name engraved on it, a pickup technique that has so far had a 0% success rate in its four-year run.
As an increasing number of her friends begin to marry and settle down, Kavanagh is now considering the idea that she should start looking beyond the human cesspits that embody most of what is wrong about a generation and seek potential suitors in new environments.
“I’m thinking I’m going to try out some guitar shops then maybe have a go at a race day carnival. There’s got to be some real gentlemen out there still.”
