EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Calling all Queensland women! Have you left your Halloween costume until the last minute again? Don’t want to be the 20th Raygun cutting shapes on the d floor? Scared that you’re just one election away from losing your reproductive rights?
Well, never fear, for The Betoota Advocate has compiled a list of six terrifying Halloween costumes you can rock this spooky weekend!
1. Apathetic Boomer
As fans of the ‘golden’ Howard years, apathetic boomers are privileged enough to ‘not be that involved in political stuff’ but are very quick to announce that liberals are ‘better for the economy.’
Though they were able to easily retire at the age of sixty and accrue a series of valuable assets just by working a normal 9 to 5 – such as a four bedroom house in Balmoral – apathetic boomers believe their fortune has everything to do with hard work and nothing to do with having free university and low housing costs. Which is why they’re not particularly that invested in politics.
“Look, I don’t follow the details and frankly, I don’t care, but it just feels like it’s time for a new government.”
“Labor’s been around long enough.”
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2. Reactionary Youth Crime Expert
The reactionary youth crime expert had their Mazda 3 broken into six months ago, and though the young offender was arrested and charged, she’s not very happy with the ‘light sentence’ he copped.
“One year!? That little arsehole spilled a mint thick shake on my sheepskin car covers.”
“Put him in the gulag.”
She’s also not that keen for her taxes to pay for kid’s lunches or subsidise public transport, because neither of those things benefit her.
“The only time I ever used a train was when I couldn’t drive my car for a two days.”
“Steven Miles sure didn’t put his hand in his pocket when one of his delinquents smashed in my passenger window!”
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3. Aspiring Grandma
Thinking of a stealthy costume this Halloween? The aspiring grandma is a sly operator, choosing to vote against the interests of her own daughter to get what she wants.
And what does she want?
Grandbabies. NOW.
“My daughter, Claire, says she doesn’t want kids, but I know that’s just a phase,” says Margaret, who already has a drawer full of baby clothes.
“If the Liberals can make it harder for her to make that decision, maybe I’ll finally get the grandbaby I deserve.”
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4. Cashed Up FIFO Worker
The self-proclaimed alpha male is ready to cast his vote for the Queensland Liberals this election, citing a deep concern for the “crisis of masculinity.”
After binging countless hours of American podcasts during his fly-in fly-out shifts, this cashed up FIFO worker says leftie politics are ruining the fabric of society.
“The world’s gone backwards, whatever happened to tradition or having morals?”, he asks, briefly pausing to dislodge some rack stuck up his nose, “I’m not having my kids wearing a cat collar and shitting in a litter box.”
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5. LNP Pick Me Girl
The LNP pick me girl is staunchly against voting Labor, as she still holds a grudge against the government due to her dream 2020 Byron Bay wedding being ruined by Covid restrictions.
Often mingling with people who view her as a second class citizen, which is a role she happily plays due to her obsessively desire for male approval and validation, the LNP pick me girl isn’t too concerned about women’s reproductive rights as she’s had her kids (and abortions).
Plus, if she were to ‘have an accident’, she has the funds necessary to do some ‘sightseeing in Sydney for the weekend.’
6. FNQ Katter Candidate
Queensland’s only truly multicultural political party is somehow the purest form of Queensland’s rural conservatism. The Katter Australian Party has the balance of power with a handful of MPs of different colours – black, white, redneck and brown. They know that an LNP landslide is as bad for them as it is for Labor. The FNQ Katter candidate doesn’t lose any votes on the issue of abortion.
“Forcing the major parties to state their position does nothing but highlight that proper Christians would be better off with us than these fake moderates”
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