Alf Stewart Confirmed As Patient Zero For Sydney Northern Beaches Outbreak

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Christmas plans hang in the balance around the nation today as the latest community to drop the spicy cough ball emerges as Sydney’s Northern Beaches.

Contact tracers have named community leader Alf Stewart as patient zero in this outbreak and have asked all those in the community who may have come in contact with him to isolate immediately.

Mr Stewart visited a number of premises in the past few days, including The Cabbage Tree Club (an elitist surf lifesaving club that only saves franking credits) the Palm Beach Club, that over-price salmonella trap on the wharf, the lighthouse that everyone who moves to Sydney goes to visit on the weekend when they’re trying to keep off the grog, a sushi train in Avalon or Collaroy, a tobacconist in Manly and that Merivale pub on the beach that is so fucking load it makes the Seige of Stalingrad seem like a performance of Swan Lake.

If you live in the nation’s most overrated hell hole and have been up to the nice beaches to the north and are showing even the mildest of symptoms, the NSW Government is asking you to get tested.

More to come.