Bondi area fuck boy defends Apple’s courageous wireless headphone design

8 September, 2016. 14:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

HIS EARLY MORNING WALKS through the bluffs of North Bondi in a long-sleeved tee shirt just aren’t the same unless he’s got some easy listening Jack Johnson quietly strumming away in each ear.

But for David Sampson-Cochrane, Apple’s announcement this morning that the new iPhone 7 will drop the industry-standard 3.5mm headphone jack for a courageous, futuristic wireless alternative has led him to defend the tech giant – as his level-headed Luddite mates expressed their outrage.

“As a North Bondi local who knows how to swing his arms during his morning stair sprints, I know that having a headphone cord dangling around in front of my Noosa Sailing Club long-sleeved tee could easy get in the way and cause me to loose balance. I’ve lost many a pair of Bailey Nelsons because of my headphone cord,” he explained, with his legs crossed.

“But this is a game changer, I’m definitely going to plunge myself further into credit card debt and get one as soon as I can. This is all going to happen while the rest of my squad sinks schooners of full-carb beer while they put gold coins into the pub jukebox so they can listen to Dire Straits or Toby Keith. This product isn’t marketed towards people like that,”

“I know, bro. Mark my little words. Everybody is going to start phasing out the headphone jack now, following Apple’s lead. I mean, Apple is a trendsetter. Look, sometimes I wish it was my body that got riddled with cancer, not Steve Jobs’. He would’ve been able to explain why this is such a breakthrough to these idiots.” he said.

However, when asked whether he honestly cares about this giant technological leap forward, one local gout sufferer and long-time friend of Mr Sampson-Cochrane explained that they just egg him on from time to time by disagreeing with him.

Vaucluse Dietician Lindsay Scoles has suffered from gout for close to a decade, despite being only 28-years-old – something that has doctors baffled.

Nonetheless, his penchant for a quick easy meal that tastes good and cold Victorian lager, Scoles maintains that getting rid of the 3.5mm headphone jack isn’t going to ruin his life as he outlined to David this morning.

“Yeah we bait him because he always has to be right and he think we’re all dumb,” he said.

“He is a clever bloke but he goes ham when we pretend to be ignorant, it’s a fucken pissa bruce one-hunnned perceent moite.”