FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
Infections are still falling across the nation.
However, the news may not as good as it seems, with claims that the fall is caused by young Australians moving on to different viruses as coronavirus becomes more commonplace.
“At first we saw cases of coronavirus all the time; it seemed everyone wanted to be the first to have the new virus. But now “uncool” parents and the elderly are getting the virus, suddenly all these kids want to move on to bigger and better things,” says Department of Health Chief Medical Officer Professor Brendan Murphy.
“What we are now seeing is a lot of these so-called ‘alpha-male’ types using coronavirus as a sort of ’gateway’ virus to move onto heavier stuff to impress each other. We’ve also seen hipster kids who have stopped cooking any of their food so they can contract trendy new viruses nobody has heard of.”
According to Murphy, many nerds are buying vials of glandular fever online so they can tell their classmates they caught it from a kiss, although whether anyone believes them is unknown.
Multiple schools have reported rich kids trying desperately to catch anything that sounds exotic, like Spanish Flu or Japanese Encephalitis so they can tell everyone they caught it on holidays.
Meanwhile, some Goths have been intentionally exposing themselves to the Bubonic Plague, although the reason for this remains unclear.
However, it’s not all bad news. “Emos don’t seem to be catching any viruses,” says Murphy. “Or maybe they are; it can be very difficult to tell when they are sick”.
