ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The cruising industry has today asked if Australians are ready to get back on the water – or if they’d prefer to just stay the fuck away from whatever in Crimson Christ that industry has in mind for the future.
In a morning press conference at the International Passenger Terminal at Sydney’s buzzing Circular Quay, Captain John Searson from Pomona Cruises said he was excited to gauge interest when cruising resumes next year.
“We have cruises scheduled to leave Europe early this year and will arrive in Sydney six to seven weeks later,” he said.
“There will be numerous onboard activities such as gambling, binge alcohol and food consumption and relaxing beside the pool. Sounds good to me. The crew at Pomono have missed you all and are looking toward to getting back out on the water with you all soon,”
“From next year, there will be many options available from the East Coast of Australia. Mark McGowan has told us that any cruise boat that comes within 5 nautical miles of the West Australian coast will be strafed by a man with a sawn-off lever-action .30-30 shot from a doorless Cessna 152. Needless to say, we don’t need that type of press after the unpleasantness of 2020.”
The unpleasantness that Captain Searson is referring to was their competitor, Princess, taking many old people on a cruise and giving them all the Spicy Cough and heaps of them ended up dying because of it.
It wasn’t the fault of the company, it was clearly the fault of the NSW Government, NSW Health and the Department of Home Affairs. But as they were all old and were no longer useful to the economy, nobody felt the need to resign over it.
“Or are you all pretty much done with cruising all together?” Captain Searson continued.
The eyes widened of the group CEO standing behind him.
“We have our new Boomer Remover protocols, which include people who test positive to the virus will be immediately thrown overboard. We can’t take any risks when it comes to making some folding ones. Cash rules everything around us, fun gets the money.”
More to come.
