CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has today decided to boycott the Boxing Day test, and will keep his television tuned to the Sydney To Hobart yacht race instead.
Today’s decision to deprive himself of fantastic cricket marks yet another escalation in Peter Dutton’s mission to simply pretend Australia is not a multicultural country, and is actually a 1990s Qantas commercial full of aspirational white people who actively avoid eye contact with immigrants and Aboriginals.
His most recent boycott follows Dutton’s populist announcement that, as Prime Minister, he will never stand in front of an Indigenous flag.
Dutton had also announced plans to boycott Christmas in general, in protest against Prime Minister Albanese’s joyful celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Dutton has previously described Jesus as ‘a socialist from the Middle East’ and not somebody he wishes to champion – unlike the woke Australian government.
However, it was when sitting down to watch the opening ball of Day 1 of the fourth test against India at the MCG, that Peter Dutton became aware of how woke Australian cricket had become.
“What’s this nonsense” he scowls, after seeing a man with the surname Khawaja opening the batting with a Greek-Australian debutant by the name of Konstas.
“This woke diversity rubbish has gone too far”
With Konstas racking up half a ton of 52 balls, the success of multicultural Australian only made Peter Dutton angrier.
These racial tensions were only escalated when he read the surname of the third man in the batting order.
“Labuschagne?? What is that!? I can’t tell which side are the foreigners!”
“Let me guess… He’s gay as well?!”
“Where’s that name from anyway? South Africa. Oh he’ll enjoy himself in Melbourne. Maybe he’ll join one of the African gangs that are destroying the fabric of our society”
With three relatively exotic surnames at the start of the batting order, Peter Dutton didn’t even given himself the opportunity to be calmed down by the pure Anglo-Saxon phonetics of ‘Steve Smith’ and ‘Travis Head’.
Instead he changed channels immediately.
“Ahhh. A yacht race. That’s more like it! Hard-working Aussie battlers, battling against the seas on worthy vessels!”
“That’s my kind of boat people!”
Dutton quickly realises that the ‘Sydney to Hobart’ is far better suited to his world view, a multimillionaire property developer who only ever surrounds himself with the type of people who are familiar with high-end sailing boats, tax evasion and a misplaced nostalgia for the white Christian ethnostate that existed before Yothu Yindi and Tina Arena started dominating the ARIA charts.
