13 January, 2017. 12:23
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Fed up with being greeted by the unmistakable waft of beer piss each time he visited the loo in his own pub, a Central Betootanese publican spat the dummy last week and took to his toilets with a jimmy bar.
Gilbert Coolidge even filled up the piss trough with plaster of Paris, saying that the pigs who frequent his hotel have had their right to piss like a Westerner revoked.
“I asked them to stop pissing on the floor and they just laughed at me,” he said. “Last Tuesday when I snapped, some bloke had pissed all over goona wrap dispenser. Have you seen what a litre of beer piss does to a big roll of dunny paper? If I caught the bloke, they’d be locking me up next to Ivan Milat tomorrow.”
The issue that the 69-year-old has with his patrons emptying themselves where they should reached fever pitch on Monday after it was discovered that the sanitary bin in the disabled toilet was half full of piss.
“That was the last straw,” he said. “Having to drag that bin out onto the street and empty it down the gutter was simply revolting. The barback who helped me do it turned green and had to go home and lie down. So fuck ’em. I’ve put in some squatters and I’ll just hose the cunt down with the fire hose each night before close.”
Reactions to Mr Coolidge’s brain explosion have been mixed.
One local explained to The Advocate that his knees are on the way out and he might have trouble with the new set up. Another said he’s looking forward to just standing in the doorway of the new toilets and just pissing on the floor like some sort of barnyard animal.
“For our more senior patrons, I’ve cut a hole in a wicker chair so they can still enjoy doing a number two away from home. I’m not that much of a psycho.” he said.
More to come.
I am not happy. This is going to make it very difficult to hold our weekly Beetoota High Jump event in the men’s toilet now that they have installed blow holes instead of piss troughs.
It was only three weeks ago that Macca O’Rourke set a new Beetoota record with a piss that measured 2.6 metres up the wall while in a standing position. We later discovered that Macca was too pissed to undo his fly so it was a magnificent effort from the wee mon.