RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
A ravenous mob of shareholders has today been cooed by the quick thinking of an up-and-coming finance worker from Betoota Grove’s Financial District.
Asset management firm Whorburton Prevett’s (ASX:WPM) Annual Shareholder Meeting which happens once a year, is normally an amicable, joyous occasion for company employee and finance pig, Jamie Dretts (27).
However, amidst volatile markets the value of the Company’s stock has performed as badly as higher-risk equities as interest rates rise to curb inflation while the economy slows. And shareholders are not fucking happy.
So much so that as Mr Dretts moved to the next slide of his Presentation, the image of the Firm’s Annual Performance Graph turned the atmosphere in the room to ice.
“There was about 120 shareholders present, and a few at the back saw the downward trajectory of the Performance Graph, and basically starting chucking white plastic chairs up onto the stage or at other shareholders.” Mr Dretts said.
Suddenly, skirmishes broke out in several areas, as the murderous crowd of mainly self-funded retirees set fire to pamphlets, blinds and garbage disposal units within the conference room.
Realising the Company’s poor performance was the cause of the commotion, the economics graduate acted quickly, instinctively moving to the laptop with the grace of a gazelle, before flipping the Graph 180 degrees with a simple right-click of the mouse using one of his hooves.
“I just knew the only way we were making it out of there alive was if that graph showed strong capital gains, the likes of which our shareholders have come to expect over the last decade.”
Amongst the smoke and raging passions, shareholders began to see the Performance Graph’s line going upwards, and immediately softened.
“We knew the shareholders were going to be restless, but we didn’t expect this.”
Those sentiments were echoed by Senior Executive Director Sean Wright (52), who had nothing but praise for Mr Bretts’ rapid response.
“Jamie has always been a quick thinker. I remember when four of us were carpooling to the Christmas party last year, he was the one who thought to split the Uber fare. I didn’t realise Uber had that feature. I recall it so vividly because up until that point I had been paying the full fare even when friends were being dropped off before me. But that’s just one example among many of Jamie’s resourcefulness in a crisis.”
Asked how shareholder expectations would be managed moving forwards if the economic downturn continued, Mr Wright waved a dismissive hoof saying, “We’ll just use some graphs from previous years, back when things were good.”
