ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Embattled regional airline REX is rumoured to have acquired a small fleet of ex-Royal Australian Air Force (RAAF) aircraft to stay in the metro aviation market.
The airline has neither confirmed nor denied the scuttlebutt; however, one source from inside REX has told The Advocate on the condition of anonymity that the wheels are in motion to purchase “a dozen or so (DHC4) Caribous and maybe a couple of C130 Hercules (Hercs)”.
The misty, inchoate suspicions that the airline is still hanging on to the dream of competing in the metro aviation market is beginning to gather attention, regardless of what they may or may not have purchased.
The source said it’s well within REX’s wheelhouse to do so.
“We would have to order in some seats for the Hercules, so in the meantime, our customers would just have to file in like paratroopers and find a seat as best they can. We’re not opposed to people lying on the floor, but the biggest problem with ex-military transport aircraft is that many of them don’t have a galley (kitchen) or a head (toilet), so we would have to work something out,” they said.
One novel idea the source had would be to put up some sort of tarp towards the end of the plane and have a collection of empty Gatorade bottles there for gentlemen and women to urinate in.
“Women would obviously need to use a ‘She-Wee’ or moulded funnel that allows women to urinate standing up. It comes out of what looks like a crude, 4-inch latex cock and can be directed into a Gatorade bottle as a gentleman would direct his own cock. Once the urine is secured in the bottle, the pilot could then direct the plane to fly over a town such as Wagga Wagga, Ballarat, or even Toowoomba and open the rear-loaded door so customers could throw their bottle of urine out the door and on to one of those towns. I think everyone would enjoy that.”
“We’d get people to bring their own McDonald’s or Hungry Jack’s onto the plane so they’d have something to eat on the trip. All rubbish can be thrown from the side door before landing.”
The source did concede that most people (read softcocks) would need either earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones to enjoy a pleasant journey.
“Especially in the Caribou. Christ alive, they are loud. Especially when you’re sat next to the props. However, they are a Short Takeoff and Landing (STOL) aircraft, so we could perhaps land closer to the CBD than other airlines could. Provided there’s a strong nor-easter, there’s no reason why they couldn’t land on the straight at Royal Randwick or on the roof of the Brisbane Convention Centre. Or even Albert Park?” they continued.
“Sydney to Brisbane in a Caribou, that’d be a bit of a mission, but we’d have cold cans, cold party pies, and no doors. Just your can and chuck it out the door. Straight into the big blue bin (Pacific Ocean)!”
The Advocate asked how safe this would all be, and the source laughed.
“People die all the time, mate. Dying is a part of living. You know, a bit of common sense about you, and most of the time, you’re fine. Like don’t stand too close to an open door of an aircraft when you’re at 5000 feet pulling 180 knots because you might get sucked out and fall to your death. Either way, it’s better than having your family liquidate your net worth so they can pay some extortionate RAD at some fucked aged care facility after the doctors won’t let you go home because you’ve allegedly lost your mind. Better than seeing your fat, pikelet-sized nipple son-in-law enjoy your money while you’re trapped with the dribblers and screamers in BUPA South Betoota? No thanks, I’d rather be sucked out of a plane in my 50s when I’m full of James Boag’s cans and half-frozen horse meat pies.”
More to come.
