ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A loveable fuck up and a large huntsman spider have agreed to coexist in his Betoota Heights Hotondo monstrosity today, where the spider will eat mosquitos and the man will not smoosh the spider with a broom.
Conor Felspar, who works in sales for some company in town, said he felt compelled to kill the huntsman when he first saw it – but remembered how many mosquitos bite him each night.
Speaking exclusively to The Advocate when he was over at editor Clancy Overell’s house buying hydroponic marijuana, the 27-year-old said he remembered that huntsman spiders love to eat mosquitos and he’s got mosquitos that need to be eaten.
“You know, growing up I was one of those kids who pick spiders up and put them on people,” he laughed.
“But slowly over time, I started brooming them on the reg[ular]. When my ex moved in, she’d freak out whenever a spider would appear. She’d come tear-arsing up the hall yelling and screaming and carrying on. I’d get the broom out and go whooshtow, smoosh him up the gyprock like I’m sweeping the walls like a crazy person!”
“But then I remembered she left me ages ago, so the huntsman got a stay of execution. Provided he eats mozzies and doesn’t come down when I’m asleep and lay eggs in my ear.”
Both our reporter and Clancy nodded as Conor wrapped the story up.
He asked Clancy for a quart on tick and he reluctantly agreed, saying this ‘dank shit’ smelled great.
Clancy offered to pack him a cone to sample it but Conor explained he rode a Lime scooter over and didn’t rate his chances making it home alive if he had one.
More to come.
