ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The de facto leader of One Nation, James Ashby, has taken time out of his busy afternoon to remove, cook and feed his party’s chief figurehead another piece of her own brain in anticipation of the fallout coming from Part Deux of the Al Jazeera investigation into One Nation’s dirty dealings.
In the lunch room of their party headquarters in the exclusively-leafy Brisbane enclave of Albion, Ashby injected 51mg of propofol into the side of Pauline Hanson’s neck as she enjoyed a fisherman’s basket for lunch.
“Lunch time,” he hissed coldly.
Hanson swiftly lost her bearings and ability to interact with the outside world.
However, she clung to consciousness for dear life.
All this took place in front of our reporter, who was present at the One Nation offices against his will after a morning interview with Ashby went awry. He too was enjoying a fisherman’s basket at the time, sitting at the opposite end of the lunch room table.
“Lunch is served,” Ashby whispered into his boss’ ear.
With that, the loud whine of a battery-powered pneumatic bone saw rung out and young Ashby began to slice through Pauline’s skull and into her brain.
He looked up at our reporter, who sat stonefaced eating deep-fried cod as blood spattered about the room.
“I’ve been doing this daily ever since that Al Jazeera stuff came out,” Ashby said coldly.
“To make it seem less of a big deal, I’ve been feeding Pauline bits of her own brain. So she keeps saying things about Port Arthur, vaccines being bad for you and a whole swag of racist things,”
“And it seems to be working.”
As the detached top of Pauline’s skull hit the linoleum floor, Ashby removed a small piece of Hanson’s frontal cortex and walked it over to the microwave.
“Three minutes should do, don’t you think?”
Our reporter nodded.
But as soon as the science oven pinged, our reporter seized his chance to escape by throwing his sickly corpse-like body out of the third story window and onto Ashby’s parliamentary Nissan Cube.
The boxy shape of the car cushioned the fall just enough for The Advocate to hobble to safety – down to the Breakfast Creek Hotel.
More to come.
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The public can call their local Police Station if they prefer.
In the case of an emergency dial triple zero 000.
