RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
The James Webb Space Telescope has made a startling discovery. It has revealed the presence of a supermassive black hole at the customer service HQ of Australia’s dodgiest airline, Qantas, which may explain the millions of hours lost by Qantas customers trying to get some level of customer service in recent times.
Scientific researchers explained that the astronomical abyss, which has a mass billions of times the mass of the Sun, has undergone gravitational collapse in recent months, leaving behind warped regions of space from which nothing can escape, particularly any form of customer service.
“You could try emailing or calling Qantas but it won’t matter, the whole place is a massive vortex,” lead researcher Ilka Wolfram said.
Wolfram hypothesises that the formation of the black hole has been accelerated by wholesale job cuts by Qantas while the company rorted JobKeeper.
“When a den of thieves try to take from an existing vacuum it becomes a vicious cycle and you can end up with a supermassive black hole like this one,” she explained.
“You see it doesn’t matter how much time and money you pour into a supermassive black hole, it will just be sucked into the abyss. Time and money are of no consequence there, in fact they don’t exist.”
While Wolfram understands that many aggrieved customers may wish to contact Qantas customer service HQ, she explained that even if you could somehow manage to get a message through, it’s unlikely there would be anyone alive in there to receive it.
“The theory goes that as a Qantas employee commutes to the office, the closer they travel to the event horizon the greater the gravitational tidal forces become. These forces begin to stretch them apart, in effect ‘spagettifying’ them, before they even manage to enter the black hole where their desks are.”
“So the only logical answer as to why there’s no customer service at Qantas is Spaghetti.”
To see the black hole for themselves, our team planned a visit to Qantas HQ, and booked non-refundable accommodation for the trip, as well as a sightseeing adventure nearby. Sadly, on the day of departure our Qantas flight was cancelled last minute, and the opportunity was lost.
