CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Morrison’s Coalition government are reportedly in damage control this morning, after an announcement from the pokie room of a prominent gaming venue north of Brisbane appears to throw their three-year plan into chaos.
Peter Dutton, the Minister for Home Affairs and member for Dickson who is solely responsible for disposing of the previous, elected, Prime Minister in his failed leadership challenge six months ago, is now up against the fight of his political career.
At roughly 8:49PM (QLD) last night, Keith “Cocka” Seymour (52) a local road worker and flakey father of five declared himself in the running as an independent candidate for the federal electorate of Dickson.
At the encouragement of his close friends in the pokie room, it is believed ‘Cocka’ convinced not only himself but must of the surrounding patrons that he would make a better politician than that ‘potato looking cunt’.
“What do you reckon?” the former star fullback for the Pine Rivers Bears RLFC asked the growing crowd in the gaming room.
“I reckon I’ll be able to get more votes then that Nazi [Senator Anning]”
“There’s over 19 people here. Do you lot reckon you’d all vote for me?”
Given that most of the people in the room had been issued with a speeding fine by Peter Dutton in the late 1990s, Cocka’s rally cry was met with enthusiastic cheers, before the twice-incarcerated former sheep thief immediately began googling how to be an independent federal candidate on his son’s phone.
LNP insiders say that Cocka’s announcement has rattled the Coalition, who are well aware that Peter Dutton only managed to win the seat over a nameless Labor candidate by 1500 votes in the last election – and that was before the reports of children self harming and collapsing from exposure in Nauru Detention centre made it to Australia.
Political analysts say that given the fact that Cocka doesn’t own any childcare-centres that benefit financially from Coalition policies, and that he doesn’t have any mates rich enough to know what an au pair is, and that he doesn’t oversee the deaths of women and children in off-shore detention centres, and that he didn’t give a fuck if gay people wanted to get married, Peter Dutton is expected to lose by a landslide in the imminent federal election.
At time of press, Cocka was seen door knocking around the electorate this morning, where he is still a household name due to his grand final winning field goal against the Aspley Devils in the 1982 Brisbane Second Division grand final.
