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Local Betoota Grove resident, Imogen Mathews (26), has told reporters that although she cares about the potentially devastating carnage that is predicted for this year’s bushfire season, she is keen to finally have a hot girl summer.
While most rational people are concerned about the imminent consequences of prolonged drought and increased fire risk that comes with unseasonal spring heatwaves, Imogen appears to have her priorities set squarely on a beachy glow, or as she call its, an El Nino Tan.
“Like, it honestly just feels like we haven’t had a real summer in years, the last few have been so rainy. I really just want a hot girl summer for once”.
“I’m just so ready for a tan, I feel like I’ve been pale for the last 3 years to be honest. Summer really is the best time of year”. Imogen remarked casually, over he big plastic cup of iced latte.
When pressed on the fact that thousands of Australians may lose their homes, or worse, Imogen told reporters that she totally gets it.
“Yeah, like I legit feel bad for them, the fact they even have to live out there is literally tragic”
“And I feel bad for the Koalas and everything don’t get me wrong”.
“But, like..”
Although she has never been west of the car dealerships in her life, Imogen does empathise with Australians in the bush, but insists that she too has also had a rough year.
“Everyone else got to go to Croatia” she says, in reference to a recent series of iced latte-related root canals that has prevented any travel since borders reopened.
“It’s like everyone else has had a summer except me”
Politicians and environmentalists have been sounding the alarm for months, warning of the increased risk of bushfires, crop failures, and water shortages due to an upcoming El Niño event that many believe are becoming more common due to climate change.
Imogen says she will probably donate to some wildlife charities when the bushfires do actually devastate the country, but will draw the line there because politics is such an ick.
