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“What… What is this!?” asks the Greens Shadow Housing Minister, after opening the second door on the left in a discreet Queanbeyan fibro shack this afternoon.
“Anthony? Where are you!?”
Max Chandler-Mather has been invited to lunch today with the Prime Minister to begin negotiations on what the Greens say is a lacklustre housing policy. He was advised to come alone.
After quite literally years of heading-butting between Labor and the ever-growing minor party, Prime Minister Albanese’s most recent cabinet reshuffle has done very little to stop the Greens from pointing out that the housing crisis will not be solved by toothless government initiatives aimed at helping young people bypass the hurdle of saving 8-years worth of dual income salaries as a deposit before they take on millions of dollars of debt for a home one quarter of the size of what they grew up in.
Max Chandler-Mather MP, a staunch advocate for public housing and the phasing out of negative gearing and the capital gains discount, has been a big part of the problem.
After riding the Queensland ‘Greenslide’ to Federal Parliament in an renter-heavy Brisbane electorate in 2022, Mr Chandler-Mather represents everything the major parties hate.
One, he speaks to voters clearly, in the accessible type of language that career politicians have forgotten how to use.
And two, as a renting millennial himself, he appears to be uncompromisable.
Even after making fun of the double-barrelled last name given to him by his Labor-voting parents, it seems the ALP have struggled to land a punch on this troublemaker. No womanising. No second families. No secret trust funds or offshore accounts. They can’t get shit on him. In fact, they’ve only made him worse.
Now he’s talking about a two-year national rent freeze, and the cheers are only growing louder from both his constituents and the young people in neighbouring Labor-held Brisbane electorate – some of which boast up to 50% renters who are one hospital visit away from homelessness.
That’s why they’ve had to resort to murdering him, or at least kidnapping him and roughing him up a little.
Unfortunately, after luring the 32-year-old to an out-of-the-way location out across state lines with the promise of home made Maltese pastizzis, Labor operatives didn’t take into account the street smarts that come with growing up in West End before they took the anti-Heroin bluelights out of the bathrooms at the Boundary Hotel.
After seeing a room covered in plastic drop-sheets, Chandler-Mather knew he wasn’t here for lunch.
“Fuck this. These Low dog cunts” he roared, as he slammed the door, only to be met with two masked henchman who were clearly aspiring Labor Right lawyers, judging by their manboobed frames.
“You wanna go? We can do this here if you want cunts” said Chandler-Mather.
With the assailants back pedalling towards the front door, the Greens Housing Minister got low and ran at them like Tallis. All three tumbled down the front steps. Max immediately began searching their trouser legs for blades.
Realising it was just one on two, no weapons, the Member For Griffith got to work – in scenes that emulated the famous hiding Sonny Corleone put on his wive’s abusive husband Carlos Rizzi in the Godfather one.
At time of press, a crowd had gathered outside the traphouse, as Chandler-Mather wiped bright red claret off his cheek with the cuff of his MJ Bale shirt.
“Three years rent freeze” he said, before spitting blood at the defeated Labor goons and hailing a cab.
