CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Northside Melbourne resident, Ethyl Glenlyon (41), has been overcome with a state of euphoria today.
And it isn’t from that cup of cold drip she just picked up Lygon.
As one of the city’s loyal upper middle class professionals who decided to not relocate to Byron or Portsea over the last few years, Ethel has had to readjust her entire lifestyle.
Two years without a comedy festival, and two years without an AFL Grand Final. It’s been an awful time for anyone whose entire identity is based around being from Melbourne.
After nearly 300 days in lockdown throughout multiple waves of the pandemic, the only excitement of living in the Victorian capital came from the public lynchings of blue collar workers who had no choice but to spread the virus across the city out of desperate financial insecurity.
And then of course, there were those unwashed protestors who were skeptical of taking a vaccine that their own Prime Minister had told them could cause fatal blood clots.
And then of course, there was those reckless kids with their illegal gatherings of more than 5 people on St Kilda beach.
Not to mention all of the other states, none of whom took social distancing as seriously as Ethel and her teal comrades of Twitter.
And then, once all of the bogans had worked tirelessly to spread omicron across the country, because they refused to complete the simple task of not leaving their houses for three years, eventually everyone caught this virus around Christmas time anyway.
And then things went quiet for a little while.
The anti-vax protestors died down as the state governments quietly repealed their mandates. The aged care inquiry found the deaths of thousands residents was actually more a result of late-stage capitalism and the greedy privatisation of the industry – rather than disobedient immigrants refusing to isolate before changing adult nappies for 18 dollars an hour.
All the finger pointing ended, and the government that forgot to order enough vaccines and rapid antigen tests got voted out.
For nearly two months the city of Melbourne has sat quiet, without any classist culture wars for Ethel to pile in on.
That was until this week.
30,000 new cases on Monday. And apparently it’s a new strain that is immune to all the vaccines and antibodies.
The only thing we can do is be responsible, and do what we are told, by people like Ethel. Her pupil’s expand, she opens Twitter. She’s back.
It’s time to police these unmasked plebs who refuse to stay inside for half a decade.
