EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT
Eying a bottle of emergency vodka nestled behind a can of Milo, local woman Tegan Wallis silently weighs up the pros and cons of taking a sneaky shot while no one’s looking.
The frazzled mum had never been one to dip into the silly sauce before the pandemic hit but has since found that surprisingly, being locked in with a screaming demonic ball of fury 24 hours a day during school holidays has its setbacks.
The relentless whinging, coupled with the constant need for entertainment, has resulted in Tegan putting on a never-ending stream of Peppa Pig.
Speaking to our reporter over a session on Zoom, a hollow-eyed Tegan tells her story of woe: “Whenever I used to see parents give their kids an iPhone to watch I’d judge them pretty hard”, admits Tegan.
“I promised myself that I’d never do that with mine. Nope, it was book readings and finger painting sessions for me.”
“But Jesus Christ, toddlers need to be entertained every fucking minute of the day and I’m tired. You know what shuts them up? Peppa Pig. Peppa fucking pig. That shit’s not background noise. I have to sit through hours of terrible British accents and oinking noises. Even my kid sounds British now.”
“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because I can still hear the theme song. It sounds like my fucking alarm.”
“You got kids?” she asks our reporter, who quickly shakes her head.
“Imagine if your best alternative was listening to that smug fuck daddy pig all day.”
“The only solace I get is imagining eating the entire family. I made myself a bacon and egg sandwich the other day while Harry watched it just to spite him. Is that sick?”
Feeling slightly disturbed, our reporter attempts to wind down the conversation before she witnesses a full meltdown.
It’s reported that Tegan was seen later that night on the kitchen floor, cradling a bottle of Smirnoff and rocking herself back and forth to the distant oinks of Peppa Pig.
More to come.
