ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
As world markets dive and splutter more violently than they did in the lead up to the 2007 global financial crisis, one of the ABC’s most trusted voices of reason has told viewers this morning to retrieve their firearms and learn how to use them.
“You’re going to want to aim for the centre mass,” said the ABC’s finance editor, Alan Kohler.
His usual piece to camera where he details the markets took a darker turn this morning.
“If you’ve never used a semi-automatic rifle before, it might be wise to practice using it with an experience friends before you make the trip down to the shops,”
“Also, most of the shooting you’re going to be doing will be in close quarters so I’d file down the tips of the bullets you might have to use at the shops so that they expand and kill whatever you hit very quickly,”
“This isn’t a game anymore. As ABC viewers, you’re already at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to coping with the realities of real-life in the outside world where the second number in a postcode isn’t zero,”
“Good luck out there and don’t trust anybody. If someone’s trying to take your toilet paper, breathe and stay calm. Raise the rifle with your leading hand but don’t grip handguard too tight. Lift the sights into your eye line, keep the other eye open. Your rifle is a part of you now – and extension of your body if you will. You see that man clutching your Quilton? Maybe flick your Ukrainian credit card into burst mode if you’re feeling confident? Squeeze the trigger when the sights are lined up on his belly button. Feel the first shot. Through the tum tum and out through the spine. The next two shots are now pointless but you can’t stop them. It’s on burst mode, baby. The second. Pow. Through the Quilton, unfortunately, then watch it tunnel through his sternum and again, out through the spine. No walking, no breathing now. The third? Well, where else could it go? It’ll probably impact that fucking toilet paper hoarding piece of shit in the philtrum – or that patch of skin between the lips and the nose. That brainless halfwit who was trying to make off with your toilet paper will actually be brainless at this point thanks to you and your rifle. Go and collect your prized Quilton from his lifeless body and repeat the process above on anybody who tries to stop you leaving,”
“I’m Alan Kohler.”
It’s understood by The Advocate that at the end Alan segment, the producer threw back to Michael Rowland and Lisa Millar who explained Alan had been out at the Agincourt Hotel in Ultimo with Commsec’s Tom Piotrowski until 4am this morning and might be feeling under the weather.
More to come.
he would have used a chart to illustrate the story I am sure