ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
In yet another example of the government throwing taxpayer dollars at regional airlines without actually fixing the problem, REX has once again rattled the tin, crying poor while still charging country people an arm and a leg to fly anywhere. Instead of this endless cycle of handouts, it’s time we take matters into our own hands. Nationalise REX and run it properly. And by properly, we mean with a firm commitment to regional Australians. Subsidised fares, proper connectivity, and in-flight policies that reflect the spirit of regional Australia. That means BYO (beer, wine & up to 330ml of spirits), designated smoking sections on the old Saabs, and full vaping rights for all passengers. If we’re paying for it, we might as well run it in a way that makes sense.
Let Us Vape, Let Us Enjoy A Cold Can: A Vision For Authentic In-Flight Entertainment
First and foremost, let’s address the in-flight experience. On REX’s older Saab aircraft, we propose reinstating smoking and non-smoking sections. It’s a nod to good old common sense values and it acknowledges the rights of smokers, who have been treated like lepers for far too long. For the modern smoker, vaping should be permitted across all flights. Imagine cruising at 10 000 feet, weaving between storm cells, enjoying a cold one you’ve brought from home or the terminal’s bottle shop, and taking a measured and deep honks on your vape. It’s the kind of freedom city workers wouldn’t understand.
Subsidised Airfares: The Real Regional Health Plan
Instead of wasting millions upgrading regional hospitals in safe Nationals seats, let’s offer subsidised airfares to the nearest major city. Need a specialist appointment? No worries. Hop on a REX flight to hellholes like Sydney or Melbourne. The centre of the universe! It’s cost-effective and ensures regional Australians get top-notch medical care without the long wait times. Plus, a trip to the big smoke every now and then isn’t such a bad thing. Get some nice clothes and breath some shit air. Also, they should be subsidised based on the average of your last ten tax returns, so even if you’re poor as hell, you can still have access to high quality transport at an affordable price. Or if you’re an irrigated cotton farmer then you probably should be paying $499 for a ticket because some cunt has to.
Connecting the Dots: Regional Milk Runs
Our regional towns deserve better connectivity. Getting the bus between towns is crook and nobody wants to do it, people just have to. By introducing milk run routes, residents can easily hop between centres without the hassle of detouring through a capital city. It’s about time we made it easier for country people to visit family, attend events, or conduct business in neighbouring towns. Fuck the bus. Or at least give us our trains back. Or give us cheaper rego you cunce.
Fleet Overhaul: Embracing the D328eco
While the Saab aircraft have served us all well, it’s time for an upgrade. Enter the Deutsche Aircraft D328eco. The next-generation turboprop designed to revolutionise regional aviation. With seating for up to 40 passengers and state-of-the-art avionics, the D328eco offers improved performance and passenger comfort. No more earbleeds. No more having to take a piss when you’re curled up like a question mark. For people with that appendage anyway. However, to maintain a balance between modernisation and tradition, smoking will be permitted only on the older Saab aircraft, preserving a space for those who prefer the classic experience.
Terminal Turf Wars: Standing Up to Qantas
No more relegating REX passengers to the fringes of airports. It’s time to force Qantas to share their terminals, ensuring that the proud people of the bush don’t have to mix with the unwashed, mouth-breathing masses flying Virgin and Jetstar. After all, regional Australians deserve the same amenities and conveniences as their city counterparts. If not more. The Qantas terminals are often a sanctuary compared to the human zoo that is the other one. Men in boardshorts, women with unbrushed hair. Not in the country, we have respect for ourselves.
Leadership with Grit: Dixon and Gonski at the Helm
To steer this airplane to success, we need seasoned leaders. Geoffrey Dixon, a country boy and former Qantas CEO who adeptly navigated the tricky post-9/11 aviation landscape, should be coaxed out of retirement to serve as CEO. He’s the man for the job. Alongside him, David Gonski AC will be appointed as Chairman, bringing his extensive and wide corporate experience to the table. If he refuses, we will ask him the same question again but at gunpoint. Together, they’ll be tasked with ensuring the airline turns a profit by year four. If anyone can do it, it’s David Gonski.
Honouring Our Roots: A Tribute to the Hazelton Family
Every REX aircraft should proudly display a portrait of Max and Laurel Hazelton above the door, much like the revered images of the King and Queen in Thai restaurants. It’s a reminder of where we’ve come from and the pioneers who laid the groundwork for regional aviation in Australia. The bush owes them both some much.
Charting a Profitable Course
To ensure profitability, the nationalised REX will focus on:
• Dynamic Pricing: Implementing a flexible pricing model to maximise seat occupancy and revenue.
• Cargo Services: Leveraging aircraft capacity to offer freight services, supporting regional businesses in transporting goods efficiently. Exploring cash-only partnerships with outlaw motorcycle gangs to transport illicit cannabis is one option that could see a decent return for the taxpayer.
• Tourism Partnerships: Collaborating with regional tourism boards to promote travel packages, boosting passenger numbers and local economies. But only to nice places by the coast like Moruya or Mission Beach. Or nice friendly towns like Mudgee or Mildura. Not the renown shitholes like Orange or Toowoomba. Ugly towns full of ugly people.
• Sustainability Initiatives: Exploring eco-friendly practices to reduce operational costs and appeal to environmentally conscious travellers. If Labor is still in charge after the next election. Otherwise ignore this part.
In conclusion, a nationalised REX, tailored to the needs and desires of regional Australians, is not just a dream… it’s a necessity. Let’s take control, implement these changes, and watch as our regional communities thrive with an airline that truly understands and serves them.
More to come.
