Growing up in the most exclusive cul de sac of Betoota Grove, Atticus Preston was a selfish prick whose favourite pastime was schadenfreude. He had coasted through elite education before taking his entitled attitude to the skies as a pilot with the national carrier.
Once there, he made little effort to hide his disdain for passengers and regularly treated them to fake turbulence, extreme temperature variations, reboots of the entertainment system and aggressive landings.
Like most of his pilot brethren though, his weapon of choice was the intercom and he took every opportunity to make loud and unnecessary announcements about pointless subject matter.
“Look, it’s pretty fucking boring up here” he told our reporter when we questioned his motives. “It’s no secret these things fly themselves and there’s only so many games of tetris you can take on the overnight home from LA.”
As we steered the conversation back to the intercom, Atticus sat back and his eyes sparkled. “I start by taking a quick peek in the cabins to make sure most passengers are asleep. Then I go back to the cockpit, turn it up to 11 and get stuck in.”
“This jolts the shit out of anyone who has just drifted off and they won’t get back to sleep for hours.” Atticus also likes to break his messages down into as many parts as possible and leave huge gaps between each part so that people think he’s finished when he isn’t.
“I would have happily paid a higher air fare for him to shut the fuck up” said irate passenger Janey Donnelly whose enjoyment of The Shape Of Water is being significantly diminished by the constant interruptions.
“Did she really just say the water creature has a dick? And did she seriously go there? The flexibility of its tongue has potential but it also appears to be very sharp” she added as she tried to rewind 30 seconds but ended up going back 18 minutes. “Can’t he just sit there quietly and pretend to fly the plane? I only want to hear from him if there’s an emergency so I can get my phone out and film it in portrait mode”.
Fellow passenger Carlito Lopez agreed the announcements were annoying but was more concerned about clearing customs given how much gear was inside his rectum.
