CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A prominent Victorian slumlord has today sought penance for the many sins that have ensured he remains rich enough to donate to the Liberal Party and advertise his shoddily built luxury apartments in both The Age and Herald Sun property inserts.
Even though Jim Burner (43) has convinced himself that his success in the fool-proof property speculation industry is a result of pulling himself up by the boot staps, he’s also aware that he will also have to answer for a long list of white collar crimes and unethical conduct when he finally arrives at the pearly gates.
Despite only ever worshipping the almighty dollar, at the cost of everyone and anyone else, the controversial property developer was driven towards the confession booth by a gruelliung comedown after a miserable winter weekend of cocaine and aperol.
With three kids under 10 that he never sees, and construction empire that relies solely on the discreetness of dodgy labour hire contractors and indepedent certifiers, Jim felt the urge to seek forgiveness from God.
After wandering into his local church, Jim took a seat in the confessional box for the first time in his life.
He began by giving the sign of the cross. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” he said.
The voice from the other side of the screen asked him to continue.
“Well, you see. I sell these shoeboxes to foreign students and boomer investors. They pay top dollar, but my whole shtick is that I’m increasing ‘supply’ that we need to end the housing crisis”
“I’ve got all the politicians and media in my pocket, and nowadays I find myself being lauded as some sort of humanitarian that is single handedly solving the homelessness crisis. Even though we all know that nobody who actually needs a home will live in one of this shit holes. And they wouldn’t want to anyway. There’s no parking, one lick of paint and zero soundproofing or even waterproofing for that matter”
When asked if anyone else was complicit in these sinful developments, Jim said not really.
“I’ve been able to keep the unions of my sites with a high turnover on labourers and organised crime figures shooing off any representatives from the gate. So yeah, basically, the blame for these poorly built unit blocks falls squarely on me. I can’t even blame the underpaid illegal migrants.
“And I’ve only gotten away with it because the entire political and media landscape are convinced that people like me are the good guys, and those trying to stop me are the criminals”
The priest murmurs.
“Well my son” said the clergyman.
“May almighty God have mercy on you, and having forgiven your sins, lead you to eternal life.”
“But that’s God speaking. Not me. I think you are a putrid dog. In fact, I think you are even lower than that”
“However, God forgives”
“But that will not save you from the CFMEU. Neither I, or God himself can save you from the CFMEU”
“God forgives, the CFMEU doesn’t”
