ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
One of Yaraka’s many gibbering old fools has been forced to make peace with ‘the fucking iPad’ his son bought for him as the town’s only newspaper closes down their print edition forever.
Harry Marlow, of East Yaraka Heights, told our reporters that his youngest fuck up got him an iPad for his 75th birthday last year so he’d be able to keep his mind active.
Instead, Mr Marlow said he was left frustrated and annoyed by the piece technology.
“I would’ve put the fucking thing over my knee and frisbee’d out the window if it wasn’t for the wife,” he said.
“She managed to get it going. She reads the Yaraka Advertiser every morning. When she hands it over to me to read, everything fucking disappears or goes whoosh away up the fucking side of it. I can’t drive the bloody thing.”
Now that the Advertiser is going online forever, Harry says he’s being forced to make peace with the iPad as reading the paper each morning with a ‘scorching hot’ International Roast and a grey market Marlboro Red was one of the last luxuries his life had.
So now he’s attending night computer classes at Yaraka Technical College, where he says the iPad has become far less intimidating.
“I’m only reading the paper to keep up to tabs with what this fuckwit Mayor is up to,” he said.
“I’ll tell you something for free, Sonny Jim. I’m taking that fucking Mayor with me when I go.”
Our reporter pursed their lips and nodded.
“What? You don’t believe me, you rockmelon-headed fuck? Follow me.”
Mr Marlow led our reporter to the back shed on his homely half-acre block and oped the door.
He pulled a recycled pineapple tin off the top shelf above the workbench and inside was one of the missing Glock 17s stolen from a team of armed guards during highway robbery last February.
“I’m not kidding around, mate,” he said softly.
Harry slid the slide back to show a 9mm round pointing up through the ejection port with the tip filed back.
“Anywhere on the centre mass should do it.”
More to come.
