ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Regional Express (Rex) Airlines has risen to 50th in the Skytrax Global Airline ranking, soaring above Virgin (54) and Jetstar (75). To celebrate the little guy having a win on the world stage, the country airline is putting on a few drinks.
Every Rex flight until the 1st of July will have an esky full of ice-cold Crown Lagers, Yellowtail sparkling, and a small selection of complimentary cigarettes that Rex passengers can enjoy as long as they ash in their empty bottle or on their trousers and then rub it in.
Qantas has dropped to 24th position after a sustained period of corporate bastardry and flagellation of their once-loyal customer base that has left its reputation in tatters, unfortunately. They also removed The Advocate editor Clancy Overell’s access to the Chairperson’s Lounge after failing to leave a note on Todd Sampson’s Tesla Model Y after reversing into it in the ABC carpark in 2019.
Arriving on the 8 am service from Brisbane (Wellcamp) to Betoota (Remienko) this morning was popular local businessman Brett Daley, who was told by the cabin crew that he was to enjoy a Crownie and they’d be more than happy to jam a few more in him if he’s that way inclined.
“Yeah, I, ah, got up at the motel, had a shower. Breakfast under the door, instant coffee, brush my teeth, and I’m in the Rex Lounge waiting for boarding. The Rex Lounge is a cut above, seriously. They’ve got a portrait of Max Hazelton and Don Kendall above the door like how in a Thai restaurant, they’ve got one of the King and Queen of Thailand. I like that,” Brett explained.
“Then this bloke lying on the couch in the corner pushes a doona off himself and gets up. It’s the fucken pilot! He goes, ‘Righto, you lefties coming to Betoota with me or not? Lesh-go!’ and off we filed. We get out to the plane and he just asks us if we have a ticket; he didn’t even want to check. We all just gave him a nod and our word. The pilot said you’re only worth as much as your word in the bush, so he trusts us. So after that, he pats himself down and swears. ‘Where are the fucken keys, fuck, fuck, fuck,’ he was saying. So he knocks on the plane door and hears nothing. He runs back into the terminal and comes back with a coat hanger that he’s busy unwinding as he’s jogging back to the plane. ‘Sorry, guys,’ he said. He then proceeds to unlock the plane with the uncoiled coat hanger and after a few minutes, we hear a click, and the door pops open. He pulls it down and lets us on. The hostie is sitting there in 1A with her noise-canceling headphones, pumping white noise with a wet washer over her face. ‘Sorry,’ she says, she and her mates went mad at the Spotted Cow the night before.”
“So we’re getting on and finding our seats, and there’s a big esky of piss in the aisle that we all have to step over. I’m enjoying every minute of this, just quietly, and the hostie coughs and hawks a big gollie out the door onto the tarmac before she does the cross-check and arms it. To be fair, she looked like death warmed up, she did. So we’re taxiing down the runway at Wellcamp, seatbelt light is on but the hostie is walking down the aisle offering me quite possibly the coldest Crown Lager I’ve ever felt. It was a fraction of a degree above freezing. The same as it was outside. She goes, ‘Get this into you, you big poof, and put your seatbelt on!’ So I did and thanked her for the drink. On the way back, she offers me the choice of a filter Champion Ruby she’s rolled herself, using her own syrupy hangover saliva, or a Peter Stuyvesant Classic. I said, ‘I’ll have the Styvo, thanks Kim,’ and she goes, ‘Ah, a flash cunt I see,’ and dropped it in my lap with a suggestive wink.”
“Kim the hostie then went back to 1A and told the man sitting in it to sit on the floor. She put her headphones on and reapplied the wet washer to her brow. Some guy up the front took on the responsibility of dishing the piss out for the rest of the flight.”
“Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful flight. We landed no worries. The pilot asked us to rate it out of 10. It was a solid 6. So yeah, I can see why they’re rated above bloody Virgin and Junkstar. Qantas could learn a thing or two from Rex.”
The Advocate reached out to Rex for a reply but has yet to receive a reply.
More to come.
