ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A Betoota Heights retiree is beside himself with worry this morning after the United States banned gatherings of more than ten people – something he says has the potential to ruin a lot of lives around town.
Local 65-year-old Dale Goolie explained that the many key parties that happen each week in our town’s northern suburbs are now hanging in the balance and are being held hostage to panic-stricken governments.
“My wife and I go to key parties at least once a fortnight, we try to go weekly,” he said.
“It’s our chance to get out and active. For someone of my age, it can be quite a vigorous exercise. When you’re a young man, it bit of lazy side-doggy on the sofa becomes rather laborious when you get older, I’ll tell you that for free,”
“We try to at least have ten sets of car keys in the bowl, anything less and you risk picking up an Audi owner. Notorious selfish lovers, those Audi drivers! If you want a good rogering, be sure to fish through and find a Toyota!”
“Whatever you do, never pick up a Proton key! Last time we had a key party in the French Quarter, I had to watch the missus get taken to town by a Proton Jumbuck owner that had a body that looked like a sucked mango seed! God! I can’t get that image out of my head!”
“That’s the danger of small key parties. You might end up with no choice but the Jumbuck!”
Mr Goolie went on to explain that they often enjoy a 20-person key party in someone’s living room with a tarp down on the floor and a good rug over each item of furniture.
He concedes there’s a risk of doing it all in one big room like that but he says coronavirus, like DNA, is perfectly OK to she shared between consenting adults.
“We all have rocks we need to get off,” he said.
“Anyway, Errol, if you’re at a loose end tonight, come down to 45 Coventry Road up in the Heights and let us crawl all over you like puppies.”
More to come.
