ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Residents of the southern hemisphere’s largest open air sewer are being asked by health authorities to resist the incredible urge to chop up and snort a mystery substance that’s washed up on a city beach.
Coogee, known for being the 33rd Irish Country and the place where a disgruntled chef once took a shit in the bottom of an ice cream sundae and fed it to customers, woke this morning to potentially thousands of small black, tar-like balls being washed up on the sand overnight.
Lifeguards reported the discovery to the police, who scratched their arse for 20 minutes before calling in the big guns from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) to get to the bottom of it.
In the mean time, a spokesperson from NSW Health took to morning television to essentially beg the people of Sydney East to not put the small black spheres up their nose.
“I know it’s hard,” said the androgynous-looking spokesfolk.
“But please don’t put these balls in the microwave to dry them off, crush them up and snort them with a rolled up Harris Farm receipt you have in your wallet. I know it’s hard but please, the odds of these balls being cocaine in very slim. If anything, they could be tiny balls of black tar heroin and we simply do not have enough Narcan on hand to bring you all back from death’s door,”
“Actually, we do have enough Narcan. NSW Health got a truckload in for Spring Carnival. But still, please do not snort these black balls.”
Echoing the sentiments of NSW Health, a fellow androgynous-looking humanoid from the EPA said initial testing has indicated that these mystery balls are most likely crude oil seapage.
“Residents of these eastern beaches can rest assured know that it’s not narcotics washing up on their shores, it’s just crude oil. Crude oil is a substance that naturally occurs in nature,” they said.
“But again, please don’t snort it.”
More to come.
