LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A uni graduation took place at Betoota Anglican University today and The Advocate would like to pay our respects to the survivors.
Known as the longest possible thing a person can go through, after life itself, university graduation ceremonies are known for arduous director’s cut durations with an appearance of your family member and the funny hats being the only source of entertainment.
According to the parents of a recent graduate, the graduation ceremony was undeniably the proudest time they have ever spent being bored shitless.
Even though their son graduated Communications with a credit average, Beryll and Christopher claim they’re very proud of their boy and the education/debt he has accumulated over these past three years.
According to the proud parents, they will never forget the moment their formally attired son received his bit of shiny paper, even if they had seen 188 individuals just do the exact same thing and would have to see it done another 210 times.
“We’re so proud of him,” stated Beryll Keworth in between guzzling water like she’d just survived the desert.
“But Christ did that refuse to end. They get the smartest kid to make a speech but not a kid smart enough to keep it snappy.”
After smiling proudly with his son on a day he’d never forget, father Christopher Kenworth told our reporting team that the ceremony was like a religious experience for him.
“I was praying for it to be over,” stated Christopher, his red raw hands dipped in an ice bath after being battered from continuous clapping.
“I was fully prepared to die in there. Then I began to think I had died and this was my purgatory. Then I saw our Davey up there doffing his hat and shaking hands with the chancellor, so proud, so very proud. Then it kept going and going and going. And then I thought I was dead again but this time I was in hell.”
