ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Today marks the end of the First Spicy Cough War as millions of Australians around the country enjoy loosened restrictions.
And in that group are millions upon millions of medicore white people, half of them men.
Over the past six months, many of those people have experienced what it is to be oppressed for the first time.
Which is why today, explains one local white dude, is called “Freedom Day”.
“We’re finally allowed to go to the pub and get a gut full of piss in us,” he said.
“And we can dance!”
“The best part about all of that is, we can get really drunk and walk home without being harrassed by the police and other people won’t be scared of us, too. I joke, I joke! No look, we have been through a lot over the past six months. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried. But white people all over Australia, we can celebrate. We have crushed this thing,”
“Today is a special day. This is our Freedom Day. No longer are we oppressed by some draconian law that forces us to stay at home and get paid $750 a week to play Xbox. We can go back out and eat Grill’d hamburgers, drink with our friends in the sun. Visit our grandparents,”
“Life is almost back to normal for us.”
When asked if he thought calling today “Freedom Day” would be offensive to people who are still routinely bashed by cops for fun or overlooked for jobs because of their ethnicity, the white dude said he didn’t want to speak for minorities and said that was that.
More to come.
