ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The shores of Lake Betoota have become the battleground for the latest iteration of seasonal superiority from local man Evan Richards, who has moved on from being winter’s most insufferable puffer vest enthusiast to summer’s most inconsiderate beach cabana owner.
Evan first made waves in the community during winter when he paraded around in a puffer vest as if Betoota’s mild mornings warranted the attire. Despite daytime temperatures rarely dropping below 20 degrees, Evan persisted, regularly positioning himself outside the bakery with an oat flat white and an unsolicited opinion about real estate.
“He’d just stand there, holding his coffee, banging on about how Betoota was missing its potential as a cosmopolitan hub,” said bakery owner Carol Maloney.
“Meanwhile, he’s overheating in a puffer vest and blocking the path for the tradies trying to grab their bacon and egg brekkie pies.”
Now that summer is in full swing, Evan has shifted his focus to the packed shores of Lake Betoota. Last weekend, he unveiled a private cabana, complete with striped curtains, a monogrammed cooler bag, and a portable fan. The cabana has drawn criticism for taking up an inordinate amount of space on the already crowded lakeside beach.
“There’s barely room to lay down a towel, and here he is taking up half the sand with his ridiculous setup,” said local father of three, Dave Jenkins.
“I get he’s scared of everyone’s least favourite Irishman, Mel O’Noma, but he’s on his own. What’s wrong with the humble beach umbrella? He’s just being a self-centred cockhead.”
When confronted about the cabana’s excessive footprint, Evan deflected blame, pointing to Betoota’s rapidly growing population of British immigrants, who have been settling in the area’s lakeside suburbs in recent years.
“Take it up with Albo,” Evan chortled.
“He’s the one letting them all in. They’re flooding the market and competing with locals for space, property, and jobs. I’m from Lake Betoota, this is my beach. The last thing this town needs are more accents! We already have hundreds of British charity muggers, what more do we need? More Pommie ‘tradies’ taking a deposit for a job then disappearing into thin air? I don’t think so!”
For now, locals can only watch as Evan’s self-assigned role as Betoota’s cultural disruptor continues to unfold, one obnoxious seasonal accessory at a time.
More to come.
