ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
North Korean news outlets are reporting that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un has achieved what Western military analysts once thought to be impossible.
The Dear Leader is said to have flawlessly infiltrated Kyiv, culminating in a heroic, solo battle that obliterated an entire battalion of Ukrainian soldiers and ended with the Supreme Leader’s showdown against President Volodymyr Zelensky inside the heart of Ukraine’s capital.
In a series of meticulously detailed dispatches, the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) described Kim’s journey as a “stealth mission of unprecedented courage,” noting that he began his incursion behind enemy lines under the cover of darkness, armed only with “the unyielding spirit of Juche and a single Type 70 North Korean sidearm.”
The leader’s entry into Kyiv, allegedly evading all NATO radars and Ukrainian defences, was hailed as “a tactical manoeuvre that has shattered capitalistic Western illusions of security.”
According to KCNA, upon his arrival, Kim Jong-Un faced off against at least 400 highly trained Ukrainian soldiers, all of whom reportedly collapsed in terror as the Supreme Leader executed unmatched combat techniques.
These techniques, described vaguely yet enthusiastically as “lightning-fast and rooted in the wisdom of Mount Paektu,” supposedly left no survivor among the battalion, securing Kim Jong-Un’s place as both a military strategist and action hero of truly mythic proportions.
The state agency claimed the operation reached its “final phase” when Kim confronted Zelensky within Kyiv’s presidential palace, an encounter that KCNA insists was a clash between “revolutionary virtue and imperialist desperation.”
In the reported exchange, Zelensky, realising the hopelessness of his situation, is said to have surrendered with the words, “Only you, Dear Leader, could bring such decisive justice.”
Kim’s response, according to the North Korean media, was a humble nod before leaving the palace completely unscathed and noticeably rejuvenated.
North Korean citizens are now reportedly celebrating the operation, with KCNA assuring the public that Kim has safely returned to Pyongyang, where he plans to resume his next world-saving project, rumoured to be an upcoming review of agricultural policy designed to yield record-breaking rice harvests by next spring.
More to come.
