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Millions around the world are breathing a huge sigh of relief today, after election results confirmed that only half the population of Alabama is willing to back a political candidate who has been accused of multiple child sex crimes.
The result came as Democratic nominee Doug Jones beat former Judge and current alleged child sex offender Roy Moore in the Alabama Senate elections, with the final election results standing at 49.9% to 48.4%.
Democrats have hailed the fact that almost 50% of people voted for a man with 7 current allegations of child sexual abuse as a historic victory for the state.
“Oh thank goodness”, said one jubilant insider. “We thought it was going to be way, way higher”.
“Hopefully this goes to show the world that, when the time came to put party lines aside and vote on our morals and our conscious, Americans did the right thing and only gave an alleged child sex abuser 600,000 votes”.
The result means that, for the first time in 25 years, Alabama will have a Senator who is not a Republican. While undoubtedly disappointed by the result, Republicans are hopeful that they can learn a valuable lesson from this race.
“Obviously, our takeaway from this is that Roy was not the right candidate. I mean, if we had to go with a pedophile, we should have *at least* found one that kept it in the family”, said one senior Republican, before turning away muttering “Roll Tide” to himself.
The loss for Moore hit no one harder than President Donald Trump, who had campaigned extensively for the man.
“Roy’s loss is on no one but himself”, said Trump. “I told him time and time again, if you’re going to be handsy, you should *at the very least* record yourself saying it and then leak the audio. Pretty sure you get away with it that way”.
