ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Local man Alan Johnson was seen drinking a full-strength Coca-Cola at the park yesterday afternoon, despite not being hungover or in any other state of internal turmoil.
Witnesses reported that Johnson, a known health enthusiast who usually sticks to water, was casually sipping on the liquid Marlboro while sitting on a bench, in silence, enjoying the sunshine.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Lucy, a bystander who knows Johnson from the gym.
“Alan is always preaching about the dangers of sugar and how it’s like poison for your body. Seeing him drink a Coke like it’s no big deal was surreal. He doesn’t even have his AirPods in. He’s absolutely rawdogging existence. He must be in some sort of internal turmoil.”
When questioned about his unusual choice of drink by our reporter, Johnson explained that he simply felt like indulging in something different for a change.
“You know, sometimes you just have to live a little,” Johnson said with a mischievous grin.
“I mean, who doesn’t enjoy the occasional rush of sugar and caffeine? It’s like a guilty pleasure, but without the guilt… well, maybe a little guilt. People say Diet Coke gives you the Spanish Dancer. Others have told me Coke Zero makes you infertile. Or maybe that was Mountain Dew? Not sure. If you’re going to enjoy something, you might as well enjoy the real McCoy.”
Health experts were quick to comment on the situation, expressing concerns about the potential health risks of consuming full-strength soda regularly.
“Drinking a Coke with full sugar content is like playing Russian roulette with your health,” warned Dr. Sarah Thompson, a nutrition specialist to local celebrities such as this masthead’s editor, Dr Clancy Overell OAM.
“It’s fine as an occasional treat, but making it a habit can lead to a myriad of health issues, including obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Combined with a sedentary lifestyle, smoking and overconsumption of alcohol, it can be a real killer. It should really be illegal or taxed out of the mouths of our nation’s stock of chunguses.”
Despite the warnings, Johnson seemed unfazed and even hinted at possibly trying a double bacon cheeseburger for dinner.
“I figure if I’m going to indulge, I might as well go all out,” Johnson chuckled.
“Life’s too short to always stick to the ‘healthy’ stuff, right? I want to give my gut health a shot over the bow. I’ll have a pint of Yakult tomorrow to balance everything out.”
As Johnson walked away, sipping his Coke with a newfound sense of rebelliousness, bystanders couldn’t help but shake their heads in disbelief at the audacity of a man who dared to defy the norms of health-conscious living.
More to come.
